- "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time"
- "Electricity is really just organized lightning"
- "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that"
- "Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft"
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